Phrases That Must Die

Here are a few words and phrases that I’ve overheard people saying in public places which, in my judgment, must die. Uttering them can damage the speaker himself, because they reinforce ignorance or callousness or cold-heartedness, or other dispositions that do nothing to improve the quality of one’s own life. Uttering them can also cause harm to others, damaging relationships or engendering discontent and malaise in the minds of the hearers. Malicious words can weigh like a stone in the mind. Friendships, even casual friendships, can be stressed or broken by them, even when both parties have good reasons to like each other.

I’d like to start an informal campaign to stamp these ridiculous and belligerent phrases out of our language. I’m promising you here and now that I will never use them anymore, and I invite you to remind me of this blog post if you catch me using one. I urge all of you to do likewise. And, if you are courageous enough, when you hear others using them, try telling that person that he just used a word or phrase that must die, and try to explain why.

Here’s my list, so far.

• “Don’t worry, it all works out in the end.” A rhetoric of non-responsibility. For the end never comes.

• “Don’t think of it as a setback or a loss. Think of it as an opportunity”. But when you look on the world through rose-coloured glasses, you do not see it as it truly is. You see it only as you wish it were. But the world as-it-is, and the world as-wished-for, are not the same worlds. Indeed they are never the same worlds. The obsessively optimistic person’s vision is thus equally as distorted as the cynical or the malaise-ridden person who sees the world only in shades of grey. To be blunt: most crises and tragedies are absolutely not opportunities in disguise. Treating them as such almost always produces an escapist fantasy instead of a real solution. I’m really not sure what opportunities are available to a man who, in the recent collapse of the international banking and financial system, lost his house, his job, his insurance, his car, and his retirement savings.

• “I’m sorry you feel that way.” and “I’m sorry you doubt me.” One of the surest signs of a narcissist is that he utters these ridiculous phrases. For in truth it apologizes for nothing at all, and turns the blame for some incident back on the victim.

• “I don’t mean to be judgmental, but…” …but you’re about to be judgmental. Really, nobody is fooled by that one.

• “That’s just the way I am. Take it or leave it, but what you see is what you get.” Another rhetoric of non-responsibility. It tells the person who you have just offended that he or she should have known better than to talk to you, if he didn’t want to be hurt by you. This turns the responsibility for your belligerence on to your victims. It’s also, curiously, a rhetoric of weakness and impotence and spiritlessness — especially when coupled with the phrase “I can’t change who I am”. If someone says this, he is also saying that he is too weak-willed, too lazy, and too uncaring of others, to change his ways and become a better person. Set aside a little pity in your heart for the loss of his willpower and his freedom.

• “I have strong and controversial opinions”. Translation: “I want to be able to say whatever I want, no matter how offensive, without garnering any criticism. After all, I don’t really want to enter into a rational dialogue with you. I just want to hear myself talk, and be agreed with. Those who disagree have weak opinions anyway, and are not worth my time.” When I hear people say this, I make a mental note to find a way to politely excuse myself.

• “It makes me sad when you say that.” This one presupposes that one’s emotional state is caused by other people’s words. It would be fine to say this in response to deliberately abusive words: “You’re worthless”, or some such. But it is quite another thing when the offending words are the expression of a rational judgment on some topic, even a topic that is not especially controversial: “Passive euthanasia should be permissible”, for instance. In such cases, this particular phrase passively-aggressively diverts the discussion from the actual statement itself to the annoyance you feel when you share space with people who think differently from you. It pretends that the speaker of the first statement caused harm to the other by having his or her own opinion. But this is nonsense. Remember, a difference of opinion is not a personal attack. It is possible for people to disagree with each other without hurting each other. It’s time for us all to learn how.

• “It’s a free society, I can do what I want, and nobody forces me to do anything.” Often used as a way to avoid being called on to account for harms that the speaker has caused to others. It’s also shockingly ignorant. Sure, in this modern society our minds and values need no longer be controlled by laws, armies, thought police, and prisons. But instead we are managed in more subtle ways with peer pressure, status anxiety, credit agencies, religious fanatics, banks, insurance companies, oil and gas corporations, drug companies and pharmaceutical suppliers, marketing agencies, the entertainment media, and the desperation which arises from poverty. We are managed in our lives by forces like these so well, that we think ourselves still free.

• “You should see things from both sides”. When this comes from someone whose mind is dominated by self-interest, by narcissism, or by hate, it really means “You should see things from my point of view, and no one else’s.”

• “That’s my opinion, and I’m entitled to my opinion”. Notice the absence of any standard of excellence by which we could tell whether a given opinion is worth having. Notice, also, that it tends to prevent rational and critical discussion of whether the opinion is worth having. People use this phrase to remain complacent in their ignorance. They don’t let even the facts of reality get in the way of their opinions. Finally, notice that it’s easily reversible: with exactly the same logic, you could reply with: “You’re an idiot, and that’s my opinion, and I’m entitled to my opinion.” (But I don’t recommend replying that way, of course. Responding to a phrase that must die with another phrase that must die, will only kill us all.)

Friends, I know that lots of people, including lots of otherwise good people, use these phrases all the time. That’s because most people in the world don’t know how to communicate well. But I’m here to tell you that we don’t have to communicate by means of violence, belligerence, neglect, and abuse. It is always better for everyone when we communicate with humanity, integrity, and wonderment. So let’s start living better lives by cleaning up the way we speak to each other. And this is something we can all do without lifting a finger.

How many more phrases like this can you think of?